Monday, July 09, 2007

Oooh, Yes, Talk to Me, Baby

There’s so much I want to cover this week with my clients, some of whom have come hundreds or even thousands of miles to see me. Today, I want to talk about talking. Talking is not a topic in itself, any more than breathing or eating. Talking is simply something that must occur. It is the lubricant of the breakthrough process itself.

For the longest time, I never said a word during sex. Sometimes it was because I didn’t know what to say; other times, I didn’t want to spoil the moment, or hurt my partner’s feelings. Even when my partner would repeatedly encourage me to talk, I would be grateful—yet, I could not, I would not, trust that he was sincere.

“Sure”, I thought, “You think you want to hear what I am saying. But you don’t, not really. If you did, you’d hear an ongoing stream of judgments, complaints, and comparisons, mixed in with general confusion, self-focus, and fear. Trust me….

I am still remembering, quite silently to myself, the old days, and those thoughts: You really don’t want to know. Maybe, maybe, if I knew what to say, or ask for, I would, but I don’t.

And yet, for all my inner dialog, I would also add, still silently, “but please, please, don’t give up asking, I want you to care, I want you to know, I want one day to figure out how to escape from this prison of silence. It’s just that right now, I have no idea how to leave.

Please don’t stop asking me what I want! Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll really figure it out.”

So, for all you strong, silent types out there, here’s my request: learn how to be the strong, communicative type for the one you love. Learn to ask her (or him) questions!

We shy, don’t-know-quite-how-to-ask-for-all-the-delicious-pleasures-we-are-craving, may just be craving the day that you do, so that we can learn to figure out to tell you.

I know I did, and so have lots of others. Learning how to ask, and answer questions, verbally, coupled with some “show and tell”, was a key part of the breakthrough process for me and many of the couples that we work with.

Yours,
Dr. Patti Taylor

www.ExpandedLovemaking.com

Copyright 2007 Patricia H. Taylor, PhD. All Rights Reserved.

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