Monday, July 09, 2007

Oooh, Yes, Talk to Me, Baby

There’s so much I want to cover this week with my clients, some of whom have come hundreds or even thousands of miles to see me. Today, I want to talk about talking. Talking is not a topic in itself, any more than breathing or eating. Talking is simply something that must occur. It is the lubricant of the breakthrough process itself.

For the longest time, I never said a word during sex. Sometimes it was because I didn’t know what to say; other times, I didn’t want to spoil the moment, or hurt my partner’s feelings. Even when my partner would repeatedly encourage me to talk, I would be grateful—yet, I could not, I would not, trust that he was sincere.

“Sure”, I thought, “You think you want to hear what I am saying. But you don’t, not really. If you did, you’d hear an ongoing stream of judgments, complaints, and comparisons, mixed in with general confusion, self-focus, and fear. Trust me….

I am still remembering, quite silently to myself, the old days, and those thoughts: You really don’t want to know. Maybe, maybe, if I knew what to say, or ask for, I would, but I don’t.

And yet, for all my inner dialog, I would also add, still silently, “but please, please, don’t give up asking, I want you to care, I want you to know, I want one day to figure out how to escape from this prison of silence. It’s just that right now, I have no idea how to leave.

Please don’t stop asking me what I want! Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll really figure it out.”

So, for all you strong, silent types out there, here’s my request: learn how to be the strong, communicative type for the one you love. Learn to ask her (or him) questions!

We shy, don’t-know-quite-how-to-ask-for-all-the-delicious-pleasures-we-are-craving, may just be craving the day that you do, so that we can learn to figure out to tell you.

I know I did, and so have lots of others. Learning how to ask, and answer questions, verbally, coupled with some “show and tell”, was a key part of the breakthrough process for me and many of the couples that we work with.

Dr. Patti Taylor

Copyright 2007 Patricia H. Taylor, PhD. All Rights Reserved.


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